But you already know that.
September is Suicide Prevention Month and I haven't written for a bit, so here we are. This, like much of what I've written about to date, has its roots in personal experience and has gained a Metric Buttload™ of importance to me as I've struggled with my own mental health issues.
A childhood family friend, a longtime schoolmate, a beloved fraternity brother; all completed suicide. I've met so many people just in the last couple years who have lost loved ones to suicide, and have survived their own attempts. You probably know someone impacted by suicide as well. It claimed over 47,000 lives in 2017 in the US. It's the tenth-leading cause of death in America.
Something really important to understand is that someone's pain is not always obvious; people often suffer in silence. There's a reason that it's so common to hear "we just can't believe this happened! They seemed so happy!" The shameful reality is that the stigma surrounding mental health issues is so great that people struggling with things like depression will feign happiness when inside they're drowning.
It might be helpful to know what to look for if you're worried about a loved one:
When I see warning signs like this, I see a lot of myself. I can check nearly all of those items on the list.
I've never had what I would call actionable thoughts of ending my own life.
But I've wondered both quietly and aloud if it would matter if I did. It's always when I'm in a depressed state, and almost always accompanied by intense self-loathing. It's usually expressed by me being indifferent to the act of living versus actively wanting to not be alive. It's often this nebulous, curious, detached feeling. I even feel detached from the detached feeling that makes me ponder my being alive in the first place. Detachment inception!
A quick note about depression - it's got to be the most compelling liar in the galaxy. It'll make you believe things about yourself that are simply not true - that you're worthless, a burden, hopeless. I thought the worst lie I'd ever be told was when my childhood friend, Aaron, told me in second grade that when he was running around at recess a bee flew into his mouth and he swallowed it. I told that story for years, YEARS before he finally told me that he made it up. Depression is a bigger liar than my "friend" Aaron.
Thoughts like this are rare, and fleeting, but they're also real and I'd rather call out my experiences in the event someone reading this has felt something similar, if for no other reason than to show you you're not alone.
At the end of the day, I do not want to be dead. I've become much more adept at navigating the darkest times, existing in the gray, and thriving when touched by the light that is the joy of living. I have incredibly supportive friends who are learning with me about my mental health (though this particular post might be a bit of a surprise). I have family that I love dearly. I have goals, an entire world left to explore, and I'd like to think I have something to offer to make the world a better place.
Side note: I'm so thankful to live at a time where memes are a thing and I swear they convey mental health issues better than any scholarly article ever. So here's one that I love and makes me laugh, and damn it if it isn't true:
On a serious note, it's important to me to discuss the reality of each and every thing that comes with trying to cope with mental health issues. There are way too many people struggling in silence, fearful of being judged and utterly confused at what's going on inside their minds. I've been there, and I'm sure I've got many more visits to what is a pretty scary place. For me, opening up about what I'm going through, talking about it in real time and seeking professional help has empowered me in ways I never expected. It's also made me feel much more confident that I can own and manage my struggles.
I also think it's important to shed some light on what someone who may be having suicidal ideation really looks like. Spoiler alert: it could be literally anyone. It's not always the person physically standing on the ledge threatening to jump. Sometimes it's someone like me. When you're ashamed of what you're feeling, you become a world-class normalcy faker. Not one person would know any of this if I hadn't spoken up. And I'm fortunate I got to the place where I recognized that I needed help.
If you're reading this, I have a couple requests. One, if you find yourself struggling with anything similar, or worse than, what I've experienced, you are absolutely not alone. Please, please take that to heart and ask for help. I know how difficult it is but I promise you it's worth it. I'm feeling the best I have in almost two years and it's absolutely because I spoke up and sought help. And two, if you're a friend or family member or significant other or anything in between, just check in on your people. Let them know you see them, you're there for them. At my worst, even if I didn't want to talk to anyone at all it meant so much to have my phone light up with a text from a friend.
If you're in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. They are supremely equipped to help get you through the darkness. You can also text HOME to 741741 to be connected to a trained Crisis Counselor with Crisis Text Line. You matter SO much. Please stay.
If you want to make an impact and contribute to a great organization working to prevent suicide, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is a great place to start. They fund research into prevention strategies, they advocate for policy that will save lives and they understand the importance of reducing the stigma around seeking help with mental health issues.
More good news: they received an A rating from Charity Watch, utilizing 84% of the funds they raise on the programs the support. It only costs $10 for them to raise $100. That's quite the return on investment for something so important as suicide prevention. You can give them your afternoon latte (in the form of money - don't send them an actual latte. It would get cold.) here.